which way do I go, which way do I go??

I'm sure it has something to do with my age, my life choices, the changes that have occurred as of late, but I'm feeling a bit....lost. It's hard to describe really.

Adam and I early on made decisions that would seem unconventional to most, and we've always been ok with that...but lately I've been nervous. I know it has a lot to do with the lives of those around me. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm influenced a great deal (probably too much) by those around me. It's not jealousy, or envy, but wonderment (is this even a word?!). What their life must be like?! Is it better than mine? Am I making the wrong decisions? Our lives seem so different than those of our close friends. They have houses, kids, and lives that seem so far out of reach to me. I truly understand that this is all a part of growing up, and maturing, but at times I feel like maybe I'm not growing up, even though I want to be, because I'm not making the same decisions as my friends.

And then I stop and think about these friends, and friendships, and the past and I become even more uneasy. I'm honestly having a hard time connecting the way I once did with the people in my life. And then I think, man, what did we talk about before houses, and jobs, and kids came into the picture?! And I pick up the phone to call someone and think, shit....I don't know what to say to this person...it's been so long! What sort of person have I become that I can't even talk to the friends that have so shaped my life? And really, what shape has my life taken?

I'm driving myself crazy.....and yet, I know that it all goes back to the uncertainty of moving, starting new, growing up: changing. I see so many around me with so many "things" and then on the rare occassions that I stop and take a step back I realize this: I too have so many "things"....and so many more "things" to look forward to. And I don't mean things as in stuff, I mean things as in experiences, changes, reasons that life is rich. And as I grow and embrace my life and the changes that are taking place I think my feelings of being lost will evolve as well. And the true friends I have will understand this, and help me to realize that a house, and children don't necessarily make maturity and perfection. Because honestly, I've never known perfection and I've never really wanted to be too mature:)